Let's just say that hypothetically, there were some boys who were beginning to show interest in girls. And let's just say that there were girls who were beginning to show interest back in those boys.
Let's also say that these boys are just too young for this kind of stuff. What do you say to the boys? How do you set boundaries when you're not sure what kind of boundaries to set? "Don't talk to girls"? "Don't associate with those girls"?
I want open communication with my children. I want them to know that I respect their feelings. But I also want them to know that they are too young. I realize it's starting younger these days, and I also realize that they are bombarded with this stuff. Everything around them tells them it's cool to be in a relationship. It's cool to text, to call; to be texted, to be called; to visit girls or be visited by them. But I'm not ready for this, and frankly, neither are my sons.
How do I tell them that while still keeping the lines of communcation open, and letting them know that I respect their feelings?
Thoughts? PLEASE??
29 comments:
I've always told my kids that it is okay to have girls/boys who are friends but not girlfriend/boyfriends until they are older. I don't know how I got so lucky but my oldest never had a steady girlfriend until college. Number 2 boy had a girlfriend the summer before he left for college which ended when he got to school. Kid number 3 who will be 17 next month has had a few dates, lots of boys who are friends but no boyfriends. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.
I also tell them how stupid I was to have a steady boyfriend for 3 years which started in HS.
Good luck. This is a tough one.
Oooh, glad my kids are still too young for all that! I'll watch for advice in your comments section though to prep me for when that day comes.
I have just said to Evan in the past, "You are too young for a girlfriend but you can be friends." Then, if she calls I make sure he has to be in the room with me to talk to her. Luckily, all of the little love affairs have died down before I had to set major boundaries...
Also, lucky for me that my boys don't like it when other kids tease them about having a girlfriend so they avoid it at school.
I tried to handle it with humor with Evan, too. I told him to make me the bad guy. I told him to tell a little girl once, "My mom says I can't have a girlfriend or she will kick me out of the house and make me get a job." In a funny way I think Evan liked that his mom said he wasn't allowed to have a girlfriend and it took pressure off of him becasue this little girl...and all of her little friends...were waiting for him to ask her to be boyfriend/girlfriend.
And by the way...thank you so, so, much for your hilarious comments to me elswhere in blogland. It really helped. Love ya!
I'm off to Virginia!
Welcome to the next phase of parenting. With my girls I told them texting and phone calls with boys was just fine but I put limits on the times of day they could send and read said texts. And I was free to read all incoming and outgoing texts. Check with your cell phone service provider to see how you can receive alerts on your cell/email account when your child's phone receives or sends any text message. My comment is turning out to be way too long. I have more to say. I'll email you. Love ya.
Most importantly, sit down with Skip and make a plan. Get his input on what should happen. Decide what your expectations are in terms of boy/girl relationships. Dads can be really really good at these things. You guys are a team.
I've been through this 4 times and this is what I have learned. Open honest communication. Don't doubt yourself or be afraid to say what you think. Find a peaceful time when you can talk to each boy on his own. Remind him of how wonderful he is, share with him your vast wisdom on boy-girl relationships (how people use those relationships to be cool, how people can get hurt, why it is more fun to just be friends), explain what often happens with these relationships so that when (because you can't stop this, but you can prepare them and then be there for him) it happens he is already savvy and can come to you for help/love. Let them know, clearly, your expectations of them.
And don't blow it out of proportion. You may be freaking out, but handsome son doesn't need to know.
Tease them a little about it. Hug them daily and tell them what you love about them and ask detailed questions about how things are going.
You can become a great resource for your sons. You know all about girls!
OR
Invest in tons of video gaming equipment hope that catches their interest instead (good luck).
Please let me know when you get some great advice. Need the advice for my 5 1/2 year old son. My almost 11 year old still thinks that girls have cooties. And he never ever wants to get married because "that's gross".
Oh my goodness, Andrea. It's these kinds of things that FREAK ME OUT! When Sirri came home from kindergarten saying a boy had kissed her, I was stunned and had no words. And that was a silly kindergarten thing. I'm absolutely no help, but I do know this....You and Skip are very wise and you WILL find the right words. I know you will. Keep us posted, please.
I've got nothin for ya, but it looks like others have good stuff. So I am grateful to that!
Maddie asked me why she couldn't have a boyfriend a year ago when she was only 4! I just simply told her that she was too young. But I am sure it will come up again when she is older. YIKES!
When you find out the answer to this let me know...my 10 year old daughter is right there!
Tons of the girls in her class have "boyfriends" and I don't know how to get her to understand that she is just simply too young for that when "everyone else" is doing it. I'm also afraid if I'm too hardnosed that she is going to start lying to me about what's going on in her life.
umm yell at them, smack em and lock em in their room?
umm, kidding (umm maybe). You're talking to the wrong chick here... Jaden 8, could care less... James, 13, whole life revolves around them. One in particular. I hate it. He texts all the time. I take phone away at bedtime. He mostly only sees her at school. A couple times out of school. In the texts, I have seen, I love you. UGH. If you get advice on this one, please pass it along. I don't tell him stop it. I just joke with him... like valentines day this year when he was buying his gf (uck) a present, I said rmbr the gf you had last year, the one I said don't spend that much money (like $12) bcs she won't be your gf next year I promise?... rmbr that girl? Yeah, what was her name again? He said shut up mom.
I am so not looking forward to this phase, but I know it is coming.
I think you have to tell them. Say what's appropriate and what's not. Have Skip put on his big, bad uniform and lecture them military style. Scare 'em straight, I say.
And then post pictures of Skip in his uniform for us non-military wives to see and drool over.
Aren't I helpful?
I am no help here either. But the advice here has been great!
Subscribing for sure...
I'm new to this too...Looks like you're getting lots of good advice though. I'm taking mental notes.
I don't even want to think about this yet, but what little comments Ally has made are answered with "you are too young".. Because she is. I am still trying to figure out when it is okay for her to have a phone...I don't want it to be ever, but that is unrealistic...so you got me.
I will be tuning in for the other great advice you are getting though. There are some good ideas so far.
Yeah, I think you're just going to have to play it cool and tell them they're more than welcome to have girl FRIENDS but girlfriends are not allowed right now. I'd let them talk on the phone, but only the main one that's centrally located. In fact, I'd probably buy one with a cord just so they couldn't go chat in the bedroom. And I'd set a timer for 15 or 20 minutes. If you can't say what you need to say in 20 minutes, too bad.
Of course, this is all theoretically speaking since my oldest is only 5.
Thankfully I am not at that stage yet. I have basically told my girls since they were born that they can't have a boyfriend until they are in college. I hoping that by starting young I can eliminate some of this stuff. We'll see how it works in a few years...
What I will say is this...Pull out the For Strength of the Youth pamphlet and make sure each of your kids has their own copy. The Lord has set guidelines, if they are old enough to be interested in girls they are old enough to read the pamphlet...maybe do an FHE using the FSOY as your manual. Then again what do I know? I'm just a Beehive advisor.
I'm glad this is you and not me :) I'll just listen and learn and hope for a few more years before I have to deal with this. You are a great mom and I'm sure will come up with the right thing to say!
I'd get the boy and girl together and while holding a pump shotgun set whatever boundaries you decide to go with. Once that's done I'd finish it off with some sort of comment like, "I'm serious, I'm not afraid to go back to jail again." And then for good measure I'd pump the shotgun to get that good sound effect to scare them even more.
Maybe it's a little over the top.. feel free to tweak it a little.
I know I should be totally serious and helpful here, but when I stop giggling about it, I'll be back with incredible words of wisdom for you.
bwah-ha-ha!
Sweet mercy. heaven help us.
I have seriously NOTHING. I can't even begin to think about dealing with this stuff. Give me potty training anyday.
All I know is that when I was growing up, my parents talked a lot about their boyfriends and girlfriends, how they had tons and were so popular (total result of crappy, insecure marriage relationship) and I think that communicated to us how important it was to have the opposite sex like you. As a result, we all had way too serious boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, way too early. That's something I'm going to make a point to avoid.
It's not their faults that they are so handsome.
I like the For the Strength of Youth advice.
Also, I think it's a good idea to stay away from bad examples and use those who have chosen wisely as examples. It's too easy to look at past transgressions as something that can be overcome later. At least, that is what I remember thinking as a youth. Not that I EVER made bad choices.
Chains and a basement? The kid can live just fine locked up
There was a great line in the recent movie "New In Town." Some kid came over to pick up Harry Connick Jr.'s daughter for a date, and Harry stops him at the door and says, "Remember- whatever you do to her, I'm gonna do to you."
Which doesn't help your dilemma at all.
But seriously, here's the thing I always go back to when I have friends complaining about their kids: They have no jobs, they have no money, they have no cars. Everything they are using to draw too close to a girl is something you gave them. If they don't follow your rules of interaction, they can lose that crap just as easily as they got it.
you can sure as hell believe that i didn't give my stepkids a cell phone. that problem i have very little control over. my own kids do not have one; but i can't force them to stop "liking" someone. herein lies my problem.
Well that's silly. Why would you want to make your sons stop liking girls?
It's simple...you just tell them "girls are evil, stay away from them" - Problem solved :-)
First things first-make sure you and Skip are on the same page about how you want to handle this. We just keep telling our kids its ok to like someone as long as they're just friends. As long as there is no dating or calling, I think its ok to have crushes. They usually only last a week or so anyway. BTW, none of our kids are old enough to date yet anyway. We'll see what happens in a few years...
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